That awkward moment, when you google, "easiest ways to commit suicide.

if you come up with an answer, let me know. i'm always open to it.

A new world, A new life, A new blog.

Okay, so I know I do not have many... errr any readers of my blog. And if you do read this, you probably could be spending you time a little wiser.

Anyways, I am moving back out to the Westend, rooming with my two brothers, Josh and Dan.

Working from home for Advanced Automation... and I decided to start a new blog about DOT DOT DOT

Stupid things people say, while under the impression that I care.

Yes that is right, it is going to happen, at least 5 days a week I will write at least one stupid, or seriously depressive quote from a conversation of that day... and do not worry.. I WILL use quotes I hear everywhere... Walmart checkout lady, 7-Eleven Indian guy, Church Pastor, Feminists, Brothers, Friends, Rapists, News anchors and YES, even blonds... not in any particular order.

Just know, that by spending my free time doing this for you all... it shows that I really do care about you, and about your happiness. And the economy.

As I move along...

The year is 2010, 20 years have gone by, hundreds of places, thousands of people...

Turmoil, peace, horror, pain, joy, Glorious, Love...

Lord, my life is in your hands, my direction is in your plan, my wellbeing in your heart.

God, I've tried and failed, I've done what I've wanted to do, I've gone where I've wanted to go.

Abba I'm lost and scared, I'm afraid to move on. I want you in my life, I want to live in Love.

Hold me in your arms, Closer than I've ever been. Open my eyes, so I can walk by your Light.

Lord God, Abba Father, teach me your ways, guide me through the paths of righteousness.

I want to live a Holy life, I want to strive to be Righteous, I long to see your face.

The cry of MY heart, is to know you more, to live in your Love, to walk as you would walk.

Jesus, teach me to love as you loved, not according to my eyes, my own selfish intentions.

Teach me to love with God's love, to see their hearts, to love their souls.

Open my eyes, open my heart, let your Spirit fill my temple, and guide me in your ways.

Let my life have meaning, let me Live in your ways.

At the end I want you to say, "Well done, Good and Faithful Servant."

Amen.

Been a while...

It's humorous to me that I haven't written anything on my blog recently, because so many things are going on in my life.

awesome things and crazy stuff...

and me, Benjamin Alloway, has writers block...

it's the craziest thing! I cannot put into words the great things, and the wacky things, that are going on... soooooo

To Be Continued...

Life less Ordinary,

I always thought, of myself of my life of what I wanted, as Romantic…

Some people hold high opinions of themselves, of their future successes.

Me, since I can remember, all I’ve wanted was someone, a love to call my own.

I wanted to get married, settle down, to live for my wife, for my kids, their future would secure my own.

But what I’ve come to realize, although not wanting too, is that living for that dream, for someone else.

I was missing out on my own life, on happiness now, on living a young person’s life, not for the future.

I relied too much on other people to make me happy, making sure everyone around me was enjoying life, I missed out on life… Or so it seems, Part of me wants to explode from this life I’ve built myself, and be my own person living for myself, having fun, living each day for that day. But a bigger part of me, just wants to wait, for that person, to please that person, to make my family happy.

I love, loving people, I know the reason God put me here on earth is to love with His love.

But the problem I’m having with this is that, It is near impossible to love with God’s love, when you are not living for Him completely, even when you are, parts of yourself are in your love for others.

What I think I mean by this is that, when I love others completely, but I do not love myself the way I love others, I end up sunk. I put my feelings emotions love onto people, instead of securing them in God.

Basically end story, I sit at home and write this,

My brain is impossible to understand, how I work is a marvel to myself, I have no idea what God was smoking when he created me, but this I do know… He created me for a reason, He created me like THIS for a reason, and although I have only had a small glimpse into what that may be, I know I can, and should trust him to bring me to the point of using me for whatever I was meant to be used for.

I always saw myself getting married young, I’m a one woman man, and by that I mean one and done. I am not the dating type, I fall in love way to easily. But each day that passes, I realize more and more, that I may be quite older before I actually get married, before I settle down, and have those kids, and have that family…

I need to know who I am fully before I take on the responsibility of love, of marriage, of family. Sucks because as I said before, I’m extremely complicated, I have no idea how long it’ll take for me to be figured out, but I have a sneaking suspicion that God knows exactly when I will figure that out, and exactly when I should be, and will be married, and when I will find that One woman for this man.

Love having a God who is Omniscient.

Found this, it means a lot to me...

"My words are nothing anymore, I can't describe how I feel about you. so I'll just point a few things out; your smile, oh heavens that smile, it's all there, teeth hanging out unashamed fully devoted bright bright smile. Your laugh, rocking back doesn't matter who is there, what was said, you want to laugh, you laugh, You make my day, when I can make you laugh. Your eyes; are not windows but skylights to your soul because I feel like I’m looking up to the sky when I look into your eyes. Your thoughtfulness, your caring sincere heart, hidden not to far inside that open personality, I see it, I notice your motives, I love your intentions. But above all these, this endless list, Is how you make me feel. Around you I am myself, I'm not afraid, I laugh, I smile, I love. You seem to be unaware of your Beauty, both inside and out, so I just want to say to THE most beautiful Woman Alive, I love you."

Chang you can believe in...

Friday night this last weekend, I was hanging out with a Good friend of mine, we were eating some Chic-fil-a talking about things of all nature, women, School, work, friends but more importantly God...

I was telling him about this girl I know, and how she makes me feel... basically the outcome of the conversation was of this nature...

If we rely on one person or a anyBODY or anyTHING to fill us, to fill that Hole is our hearts, we will always be disappointed, we will always be let down...

We have to fill our Hearts, Live for God.. Cliche in the christian world.. but SO true.. Although I've KNOWN about that for as long as I can remember, it hasn't been real to me until now. what it means to trust on God, to have faith in Him, and what he has for you...

Having Faith is the start to being happy, and living a joy filled life. another is Repentance...

Confessing and asking forgiveness for your sins, leads to joy, TRUST ME..

Friday night after this talk, I was lying in bed, and trying to fall asleep.. but I feel something, someone tugging on my heart, I was very sad at that point, so I just threw down my defenses, my walls.. and said "God I need you, Jesus come now! I need you now! Come take my heart make it whole, " I proceeded to confess my sins, ranging as far as two years back.. it's been a LONG time since I've talked to God, on a REAL level..

Mainly because I've had this fear, like He's ask me to do all these things, and I didn't want to do them... well He MET ME THAT NIGHT.. and healed me, and... asked me to do those things, i'd been dreading.... but this time, this time i was ready.. I dropped my pride, I walked by faith.. I did those things, as costly to myself as they were...

let me tell you what... that verse that says unless we fall into the ground and die, we stay alone, but if we do we will bear much fruit.... welllllll let me tell you.. the more of Myself I give up every day, the more He takes over, and the more fruit I can bear for HIM...

I was for SOME ODD reason, waiting on Him this whole time, to change me... when it all that needed to be done, was to Go as I was, as I am, to his feet and ask for forgiveness and Guidance.. Everyday I wake up with His spirit, Everyday I want to live for Him..

Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord.

For giving me something to live for.

Wisdom

I had a short yet interesting talk with JK after 1822, about what Scoob talked about. We were in slight disagreement with his vision of living a Poor in spirit life, or really his verse usage.

After talking with JK, a few things stood out, that we agreed on, what I believe. When taking a verse out of scripture, reading a passage, we have to take it WITH the context that in-bodies it. you can't take a verse like, Matthew 19:24 says, " And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

which at first glance at just that verse, your like, Crap.. so if i make some money here, I aint gettin into no pearly gates? False, also False is the mentality that we have to be poor to make it.

read the rest.... Matthew 25-26 "When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved? But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

This along with extensive research on this topic, and many like it... I've come to the conclusion that:

We don't have to be Physically poor, or a child, or even spiritually poor.. does God want us to be weak spiritually?

What is said in all these passages and m any more, by my understanding, is that God wants us to be all these, YES. But not Physically, he wants us to take on the mentality of being poor, Not focusing on the wealth of this world, this life, He wants us to lose our life in order to gain it for eternity. not physically, mentally

We need to live as a dead man lives, not caught up in this world, not caught up in money, prestige, worldly such things. He wants us to view the world as children do, see only His vision for us, and the world that we inhabit.

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." John 12:24

" Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3

Maturity...

I recently had a talk with a GOOD friend of mine, one who I don't take advice from often, and who i probably should start taking advice from...

We were talking about girls, and it got to the subject of maturity, and how, well I'm not very mature.

well most people who know me, know I am very very Prideful.. When i heard him tell me my faults and where i needed to grow, I saw myself getting upset, yet I didn't... I saw his point, I saw his love for me, and that he wasn't trying to dis me, but help..

Maturity, not being an adult, but really its seeing that there are greater things in the world than yourself, what you want. it's being able to see what is wrong with your life and fixing it, being able to take a stand, find what you believe in and live for it.

fixating on little things, and making yourself seem less, or more, is not mature. I have a problem with that, I take things TOO seriously, I haven't been the greatest friend because of it... had this opinion of myself, and it seems to be wrong. who i want to be, and who I have become, are two different things.. I now see that, now

I'm working on becoming Ben, Ben Alloway,... now Josh, not Benny, not Bengie not these alternate personalities I portray to be accepted, or loved... I want to be Ben.

Something about nothing, something about you and me.

Words are a funny thing, so many languages so many words. Big words, small words, sad words, funny words, words words words...

Point; interesting to me, is how words can do so many things, simplest of words, can make a bigger impact than an atomic bomb. The most thought out, well defined, perfect word, can leave someone uninterested...

Reason; Words mean more than we give credit. "sticks and stone can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." words to live by, yet mean so much, and mean nothing at the same time... words DO hurt, words Also heal, energize, invigorate, teach, and do many more things. We just need to learn how to use them.

"I love you." some say the three most powerful words in the dictionary, right next to "Honey, I'm Pregnant."

I think my main point here is, we have a weapon we wield, our tongue. The Bible even talks of such things, "Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking lies." Psalm 34:13

Just because it is a weapon doesn't mean its bad. Indiana Jones used a Smith and Wesson to shoot a Sword Wielding Lunatic to save Marion...

We can use our words, our voices, our Instruments of peace. For God, for our brothers and sisters, friends and families, even people we don't know.

"Words are just words unless spoken with conviction, then and only then they become so much more."